I am...
A spirit with no name
I outshine the coldest day
I fly with birds
and at NO point in my life,
will I ever
want a "do-over"
Yesterday was an emotional day. Mostly, it was one of those "I-don't-know-why-I-feel-so-out-of-sorts-days." My mom, The Art Goddess was rubbing me the wrong way when all I wanted was to feel comforted by her words, for no particular reason. My dad, The Iron Man was making me think about roller-coaster lives and new eras.
It was a day were I perused all of my sister's facebook photos just to feel like they're near. I thought of the newly blonde Fiery Spirit, and how I'm not sure when I'll see her again. I thought of The Strong One with all of her artistic hopes and dreams. And I thought of my little ones, still stuck in the minefield that we currently call "home." The Beautiful Soul has a solo in the concert this Friday and I wish I could go. The MiniMe stays fresh in my mind as our tear-streaked faces shared pain on skype.
This is a rough time for my family full of spirits, all with such distinct names. I am the nameless one. I know not who I am, entirely. I think of everything that's going on at home. I listen to The Art Goddess encourage herself (sometimes with weak mantras) to stay positive or to find joy. I feel The Iron Man's pain and struggle as he questions the life he's led.
And I panic.
What if I go through the paths in my life, and make decisions, one's that make me happy, and I turn around in 20 years, looking back and beg God for a "do-over?" This thought terrifies me. I of course have had regrets, but I feel energized by the life that I lead. Yet now a dark cloud hangs over my head, somewhere in the future. Why does anyone do anything if we wish at some point that we had done different?
What if I get the wrong student teaching placement? What if I don't go back home? What if I do? What if I teach in the wrong state? What if I don't really change lives? What if I get comfortable? What if I get married? What if I never do?
I will not live a life that I have to absolve. I know that I outshine the dark and freezing North wind. I know that I dance and soar with birds. I know that I can go anywhere.
And I will.
Wow - this one really resonates with me! the beauty! the color!
ReplyDeleteI'm not afraid of the pangs of regrets or do-overs...they are just a phantom pang that has no hold over me. There is so much beauty, purpose and love in life if we can continue to reach out towards it...
I find that my pangs of regret are normally a sign that I have not let go of shame and am dealing with forgivingness, mostly of myself. Seek to live your life in God's will and those pangs of regret can be handled by the wonderful lover of our souls! At least that is what I have found :)
ReplyDeleteI can understand that panic though! I feel it often. I like to think of the picture that that scripture makes about hiding us under the shadow of His wings.
And Sasha, my beautiful, wonderful, sister of my soul... you are not nameless. I'll admit, I don't think there is a name here on earth that gives you justice but I believe your name is waiting for you in a place that is able to contain the wonderful brilliance that is your personality! Love you always!
apparently your name should be...the wisest one of all.And i LOVE you...and i wish i was an iron man..never felt that strong,and i'm not asking for a do over,and definitely not sure if i had to make the choice again,that i would make it any differently....but as life moves forward,we are always faced with making new choices,and i am at my crossroads...not only do i hope i find my way down the right road,but that the ones i love the most are there waiting for me...and i beg you not to panic,or live in fear of the dark cloud,knowing that the only thing you can do differently,is what you chose to do today...for tomorrow..and i truly believe the things you will accomplish in your tomorrows..will dazzle and amaze the world..you are so beautiful
ReplyDeleteThe dreamer. She is the vine that holds all of us together. Without her I wouldn't survive, of that I am sure. Your soul amazes me. Every day you have the strength to get up and pursue your wildest and most ambitious adventures. Don't ever question that time between night and day, the in-between time where change lingers between comings and goings because change can be beautiful. Hard and scary, yes, but beautiful all the same. It is my prayer for you that you remember to find joy and peace in life's small blessings. If you ever doubt my love just look at the sky and know that like the sun it is always there. Even when you think you can no longer feel the warm rays know it is there behind those dreary clouds that separate us. Take pleasure and re-discover splendor in the rising sun as it infects the dark world in a blanket of light and even as the sun will be sure to disappear kissing its reflection on the sea know that my love will never leave you. Don't lose sight, know that I will come again each day if only with the rising sun. I will be there in the twinkling of the moon look up and seek comfort in the reality that I am still looking at the same moon as you, my love, no matter the distance between us. Don't lose sight. I will come again, never to leave you, if only with the rising sun.
ReplyDeleteI love you my one-and-only, my other-self, my strong tower.
You are ever hungry one. And that hunger is beautiful, I have seen it lead you to so many fun and exciting places in your life. But I have also seen you let that hunger consume you, and you get stuck in the darkness and the questions that come when your hunger isn't filled, at least not in the way that you expect. You are a strong tower, my lover, and your hunger and searching is a blessing to be cherished. But just remember, that our God above us usually has a different plan for filling that hunger than you do. So in the aftermath of everything, when you are sitting, hugging your knees to your chest in the darkness and letting the emptiness and questions and fear and doubt consume you, let your hunger lead you from that corner. Let it take you to the Word, and through all of that, turn around and face that dark corner and you will find that it is not quite as dark as you thought, and that our Savior has already filled your hunger, you just didn't realize or expect it to come that way. Stay strong, and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteThese are all beautiful comments, beautiful beyond words.
ReplyDeleteI am so lucky.
I love each one of you dearly.